Sunday, June 03, 2007

Another Summer Project

Because of my immense boredom today, I decided to take a stab at reading the holy book. That's right, the Bible. This weekend, I was able to get through Genesis. And wow, was that an experience. Most of those characters seemed kinda shady in some way or another. I mean, Adam kinda screwed us all by eating that stupid fruit. Cain killed Abel, and further screwed us. Noah was kinda wacky, and his curse to Canaan was extremely random and out-of-place. I mean, Canaan didn't really do ANYTHING against him. His only problem was being the son of Ham, who saw him naked. I mean, what the freak?

Next guy, Abraham. He was kinda fundie. I mean, the thing with his son, and the angel. I understand that he loves God, but still...isn't that kinda taking it too far? Oh well, I guess you could say that Abraham was good in his own sort of way. And the whole Sodom and Gomorrah thing, what was with that? So what if they're gay, let them use the word "fabulous" as much as they like. Oh yeah, this is the vengeful God, forgot about that.

Next guy was Isaac. He was OK. I mean, I understand if he has some emotional problems, with what Abraham did to him and all that. If your dad tried to sacrifice you, would you be ok? He actually didn't turn out that bad. He was a bit xenophobic (ok, he hated the Canaanites). Otherwise, nothing really wrong.

I hate the next guy, Jacob. He is the most lying, thieving, duplicitous person I have ever heard of. First, he steals his brother's blessing. What's wrong with that kid? I mean, it's one thing to steal your brother's legos or something, but the freaking blessing? That's not something you can just say, "I'm sorry" and that'll be it. I must say, he was smart for running the heck away from Esau (his brother). I'd be pretty mad if my brother took away my blessing (though I wouldn't kill him, I'm just not like that). But yeah, even after he runs away, he goes to Laban, who's basically a family friend. Well, one thing Jacob does is try to marry the youngest daughter, Rachel. He works for seven years to be able to marry Rachel. Once he does, he finally wants to have sex with her, it turns out it was her older sister, Leah. Now, Jacob has the "WTF??!" emotion on him, I would probably too. The family says, I'm sorry, but we want to marry the oldest daughter first, you can marry Rachel too next week. Now I'm like, "what?!?!" He freaking gets two wives. Now these sisters fight over Jacob, and are in some kind of race to see who can give him the most babies. I'm like, "Jacob's a freaking gigolo!". Now, the next thing I have a problem with, the thing with the sheep. Jacob tells Laban that he'll look over his sheep, and only take the spotted, striped, and dark-colored animals as his wage. Now, Jacob is shrewd, and has the strong sheep mate in front of a striped or spotted stick, so that they'll have striped or spotted children (I'm going to ignore the fact that this is bad genetics). Eventually, his sheep become strong and Laban's sheep are weak measly things. I don't care what anybody says (ok, I do), but this is two-faced and dirty. I believe this is the first white-collar crime. Even though he technically didn't do anything bad, he still had insider tricks to rip Laban off. This guy is horrible.

The next guy I'm going to talk about is the best guy I've read of so far. I love him. Of course, I'm talking about Joseph. I mean, this kid took whatever was dealt to him, and turned it to his advantage. That's one freaking amazing guy. Joseph is the guy whose brothers sold him into slavery in Egypt. Joseph ended up becoming the second most powerful man in the government, second only to the Pharaoh. Those are defeating some pretty bad odds. Even then, when his brothers came to him and were starving, he didn't do something as crazy as most other people in this book. All he did was play a little trick. It was a little, "guess what, remember the brother you sold to Egypt, THAT'S ME!!!" After that, he made up with them and everything was cool. Heck, if that's how he treats the people who sold him into slavery, I'd wanna be his best friend. I'm serious. That's a commendable person! HE is who would be my role model in Genesis. All the other people are crazy in some way.

1 comment:

Gufo said...

woah, great post!!! I thouroughly enjoyed reading it! (though, to nitpick, the bible isn't THE holy book, just A holy book)

Giobbe (yet another biblical name) Covatta, an italian comic actor, once jotted down a parodist version of the bible - It was hilarious too.